Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's the barista slut.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
