We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
