last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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