I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize