Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
