I faked an abortion last night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
