if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
