My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
