Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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