Got a toothbrush?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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