fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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