loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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