i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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