Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
they need to just BURY HIM!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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