You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
