If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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