Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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