Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we're so committed to being not committed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dude. I can hear the air.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
