Porn is love you can see.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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