Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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