doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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