I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
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FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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