smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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