It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
as a side note pls kill me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
