Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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