your parents love me but you hate me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
