I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
