Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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