So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
