How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
