I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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