idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
