Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
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I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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