Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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