like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
