So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
