omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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