They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
