things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
