i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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