I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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