Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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