my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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