Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize
