laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
