Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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