First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
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Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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