Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
