my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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