You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
