my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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