I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
