Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
