pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
