well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
