New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
