I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
