note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She needs sedatives and a leash
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
