Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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