Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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