I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
