It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
