don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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